Thursday, September 3, 2009

Not Learner plates, Idiot plates!

I am constantly amazed at how incredibly badly some people drive. I mean, we take tests to see if we have the faintest idea of what we're doing when in control of a 2 tonne beast moving at 100kms an hour. Surely, one would think, if one passes the test it is assumed that one knows the basic rules of the road, and how to handle said beast.

Apparently not.

Here are a few of the things that Really Piss Me Off:

It's quite simple. If you are turning left, indicate left at the roundabout and then turn left. If you are going straight, indicate left just before that particular exit of the roundabout. If you are turning right, you indicate right on approach to roundabout, then indicate left as you exit off roundabout. The things I have seen drivers do would curl your teeth in horror. Every possible variation of indicating, leaving me with the sense that no matter what a person's indicators are doing, they could quite easily do the absolute opposite.

Traffic Lights
Green means go, you arseclowns! Even my kids knew this basic tenet of driving from the age of approximately 18 months. Red = stop. Orange = hit the gas and squeak through hoping there's no camera. Green = keep going. At current speed. Green does not mean slow down to 20km per hour 800m before green light Just In Case it's thinking about turning red.

Just don't fucking do it, ok? It's horribly ill-mannered, excruciatingly irritating and also somewhat dangerous. It's also not going to make me speed up. In fact, you may find it will, in fact, make me slow down to 8km per hour on the freeway if I'm in a stabby enough mood. I need the boot of my car for carrying vegetables and new shoes in. Kindly don't try to park in it.

Frangipani stickers and car seat covers
This pretty much sums it up for me:

Do it properly, please. Special note goes to the asshat in the red convertible Alfa Romeo at my local shops last week who parked exactly and precisely in the middle of 2 parking spaces. You win Twat of the Week. Oh, and being a spotty, oily and mullety 19 year old bogan doesn't qualify you for disabled parking. Sorry. Lazy pricks!

Parallel parking
Firstly, do we all know what the word 'parallel' means? Here's a hint "extending in the same direction, equidistant at all points, and never converging or diverging: parallel rows of trees. " When applied to parking, this means that your car should actually be in line with the kerb. And preferably reasonably close to said kerb. Not 1m away from kerb smack in the middle of the driving lane.

Secondly, have a heart, folks. Free street parking is in very high demand. It's awfully rude and selfish to leave 3 metres in front and behind you. Consider demand and supply and don't take up more space than you need to. Idiot.

Also not rocket science. You happily and neatly insert your car into a line of moving cars with minimum fuss and terror. You do NOT race madly up the inside lane at 100kms a hour as the available space gets narrower and narrower, thereby nearly running yourself and everyone else off the road in your insane attempt to get Just One Car Ahead. Moron.

So-called 'Soc
cer Mums' in whopping great 4WDs
Yes, my en
vironmentally friendly Barina and I are insanely jealous, I openly admit that. I Want To Be You and Drive Your Beast. However, since I can't afford to either buy, run or maintain one, I shall resort to petty bitchiness about some of your habits. Just stop being such show-offy wanks. Don't block me in on all sides and then whinge because I can't see whether or not I can pull out. Learn how to Park Your Beast. Oh, and stop driving while talking on your mobile. Just because you are safe in your tank doesn't mean I'll pull up ok if you drive on top of me.

And just one more special mention to one Soccer Mum in particular. Yes, you. The one that always parks next to me outside the high school. If I have to watch you squeeze your spots in your visor mirror just ONE MORE TIME I may get violent. Kthxbai.



oddsox said...

You live in Australia, its time to accept that no one knows what a roundabout is for. Traffic lights are for texting and adjusting stockings, no more and no less. Red, green or violet...its either foot to the floor or dead slow/stop.
Face it, Australians cant drive...they have never experienced traffic.
One can only hope they are prepared to experience the road rage they deserve...
And if you want an experience, hop out of the enviro-Barina into a car that can accelerate/handle/brake...double the pleasure...quadrupple the frustration!

nevyn said...

You forgot swing a wide left before turning right to park. That's a real popular one where I live.

Then there's the one where you stop dead in the middle of the roundabout while you have a think about which exit to take.

The list goes on.

Nap Warden said...

I'm in the city, and I absolutely HATE tailgaters! What is their problem anyway?

PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

It always takes me longer to do the Sydney-Newcastle freeway because I insist in maintaining the 'three-second-rule' when it comes to spacing - and no other asshat does (isn't asshat just the best...)
My sister-in-law bought a lexus a few years ago and always parked in the middle of two spaces so nobody would scratch the paint opening the doors. I thought that perhaps someone might get so cranky they'd kick the crap outta the car instead. Never happened though...

Aussie-waffler said...

Have you ever driven in Qld ??? I need to keep a paper bag next to me at all times. I appreciate that I live in a tourist destination, but the tourists that drive at 40kph at school pick up and drop off times drive me BONKERS. And as for the fellow driving THE WRONG WAY AROUND A ROUNDABOUT WTF ???? Sorry, I tend to get a little shouty when it comes to road idiots :)

Lorna Lilo said...

Look, red traffic lights are just a guide really, by all means don't think these laws apply in anyway. You are of course invisible when you double park along the one lane shopping strip because nobody would even mind the slightest because you are so very important. Are so very important? Or did I mean to say arsehole?

TKW said...

That vehicle is the most inane thing I've ever seen!

Anonymous said...

Wow, I have had a lot of hatred for the frangipani stickers for YEARS. I love you lots for posting that logo - I think I might steal it and pop it on my blog even. Thanks ;)

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