Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Beeping frikken BEEPS!

We live in a world controlled by beeps.

The dishwasher beeps when it's finished. 5 times, then 5 more times every few minutes for at least half an hour. Guess what, dishwasher? I DON'T CARE! You rate very low on the list of things I care about, so SHUT THE BEEP UP!

Microwave beeps when it's finished. At least it's only once, twice or 10 times, though. It can stay, but I'd appreciate a little quiet please.

Washing machine, you are the bane of my existence. Not only do you beep when you are finished, but you continue to do so every 5 minutes until I open your lid. You don't care if that is 5 months from now, you will continue to beep. While I truly appreciate your dedication to clean non-smelly clothing, can I also please request that you SHUT THE BEEP UP? I will empty you and hang up the clothing on my OWN schedule, not on yours, you self-absorbed metallic hulk!

Call waiting - hello? I'm on the phone already! I don't give a flying monkey's testicles if someone else is calling. I'm busy. Fuck OFF!

Fridge door. Yes, I know. You're open. Who cares? I'll get to you when I'm good and ready, thanks very much!

Reversing delivery vans - while I'm eternally grateful for the audible warning that you are about to go backwards, I really don't need to know that when I'm in the next suburb. Kthxbai.

Phone messaging service. Not much to say here except GET KNOTTED! If I had wanted to know what that person had to say I would have answered the phone in the first place.

And last but not least, security screens at shops. I have NOT stolen something from you, you excremental morons, it's merely that some dropkick of a shop assistant has been remiss in their duties and has failed to remove the security advice. I do NOT appreciate having 17 spotty, gadget-wielding teenagers zoning in on me like the goddamned SAS. Train your staff appropriately and leave me the fuck alone, will you?

That is all. Please carry on.