Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Beeping frikken BEEPS!

We live in a world controlled by beeps.

The dishwasher beeps when it's finished. 5 times, then 5 more times every few minutes for at least half an hour. Guess what, dishwasher? I DON'T CARE! You rate very low on the list of things I care about, so SHUT THE BEEP UP!

Microwave beeps when it's finished. At least it's only once, twice or 10 times, though. It can stay, but I'd appreciate a little quiet please.

Washing machine, you are the bane of my existence. Not only do you beep when you are finished, but you continue to do so every 5 minutes until I open your lid. You don't care if that is 5 months from now, you will continue to beep. While I truly appreciate your dedication to clean non-smelly clothing, can I also please request that you SHUT THE BEEP UP? I will empty you and hang up the clothing on my OWN schedule, not on yours, you self-absorbed metallic hulk!

Call waiting - hello? I'm on the phone already! I don't give a flying monkey's testicles if someone else is calling. I'm busy. Fuck OFF!

Fridge door. Yes, I know. You're open. Who cares? I'll get to you when I'm good and ready, thanks very much!

Reversing delivery vans - while I'm eternally grateful for the audible warning that you are about to go backwards, I really don't need to know that when I'm in the next suburb. Kthxbai.

Phone messaging service. Not much to say here except GET KNOTTED! If I had wanted to know what that person had to say I would have answered the phone in the first place.

And last but not least, security screens at shops. I have NOT stolen something from you, you excremental morons, it's merely that some dropkick of a shop assistant has been remiss in their duties and has failed to remove the security advice. I do NOT appreciate having 17 spotty, gadget-wielding teenagers zoning in on me like the goddamned SAS. Train your staff appropriately and leave me the fuck alone, will you?

That is all. Please carry on.

STxxx

8 comments:

Christopher said...

So many annoying noises so little opportunity to smash offending beep. Yeah, I am looking at you alarm clock :)

Amanda {My Life Badly Written} said...

Oh the security screens at shops is THE WORST!! I always go red with embarrassment which makes me look like one of those cleptomaniac mothers who have nothing better to do than steal a couple of pens!!!

Gotta go the washing machine just beeped....

Aussie-waffler said...

OH YES, the incessant beeping drives me crazy, and what about the dryer..beep...spin...beep...spin...to infinity and beyond...arghhhh..

TKW said...

I hate my nagging-ass car, which beeps the SECOND I turn it on to remind me to put on my seat belt...

Alex said...

My favourite is the phone dying at 3am beeping. Every 2 minutes. Just die. Nobody cares.

J said...

OMG. SO glad I clicked and read this. You wrote my mind! You know, I went to a large appliance store not too long ago and asked for a microwave that DID NOT have 'reminder beeps'. The assistant looked at me like I was crazy - "Uh... I'm pretty sure they all do that." URGH!

Shab/Jo

Gabfran said...

As you have not been on Twitter, I shall update you. HWC has purchased a new phone, a lovely shiney new iPhone which makes several nice noises when you use it. I, on the other hand, have the boring black eternally uncool Nokia that HWC chose for me. Anyway - on with the beeps. The other evening there was a wee tinny beep not unlike that sound of a phone that is desperately crying out for battery re-charging. My phone was blamed. It was charged & during the charging process continued to beep. It was picked up, sworn at, the messages checked, the voicemail checked & deleted, switched off, switched on, put in the fridge to cool down. While all this was going on the little tinny beep continued. So we switched it off and left it off. It turns out that the culprit was lurking in the fruit bowl (which has everything but fruit in it). HWC's old phone. I think that it misses him & was crying out for love.

Mama Mogantosh said...

I hear you, sister. Instead of beeps, why don't they all just have robot voces that say 'You're so damn attractive.'

Then at least they'd be useful.

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