Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I think it's a form of Tourettes. I find myself in a moment - could be anytime, anywhere, anything - and my mouth just says the STUPIDEST thing possible. My brain then realises what my mouth just said and disowns my entire body.

Example - I just stopped at the bottle shop for a bottle of wine and packet of smokes (yeah, I'm all class, me) and while waiting my turn to pay I find myself mildly amused by the hand-stitched tiny white curtain blocking the cigarette packets from my view, so I decide to light-heartedly comment on said curtain to the rather hawt young dude at the counter. It went a li'l bit like this:

Me: Oh, cute - you have to hide the cigarettes now?

Him: Yeah *checking out hawt young girls giggling at 6 pack of Cocksucking Cowboy shooters*

Me: Erm, did you make that curtain yourself?

Him: No *checking out anything except me*

Me: Hahahahahaha, no, I suppose not. *cringing inwardly and wishing large hole would appear beneath my feet*

*awkward moment*

*dramatic pause*

Me: Ah yes, I remember when they cost less than a dollar a packet *said in wistful tone with deep sigh*

Him: Um, ok - that'll be $35 please

Me: *presses Eftpos buttons* *runs away very quickly*

Oh yeah - that was smooth, T! Let's firstly accuse hawt dude of being a secret curtain-maker, then let's dismiss that offhand as though it's unmanly, even though it really isn't. Then let's follow up with another comment that just covers all the bases - I'm roilly, roilly cool 'cos I've smoked since the dark ages and oh, yeah - I'm really fucking old, too.

*sigh* I felt so fucking stupid it reminded me of the time last week at Woolies where I was doubled over, legs crossed, battling through a coughing fit (flu-related, not smoking, I swears), looked up and caught the eye of a couple of skinny teenaged girls in jeggings looking at me and commented "yeah, you go and give birth to 3 big-headed babies and then tell me how perky YOUR pelvic floor is..."

Sometimes I wonder why I let myself leave the house.



allison tait said...

LOL. They were wearing jeggings? You're still way cooler than they are. Jeggings are not pants. Bet they had midriff tops on with them. As for the curtain guy, he was just clearly stunned by your mature conversational skills and blinded by your beauty. That would be it.

Sparkly Tiara said...

They did - they DID have on midriff tops with them! #leggingsarenotpants

Voluptacon said...

Bottle shop attendants are all secret curtain making fiends!!!

PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

Oh, I'm sorry but you really did make me laugh...

Anonymous said...

Eww. Jeggings. They are feral!

As for the bottle-shop man. He clearly doesn't have a sense of humour. He sounds rude!

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