Recipe - Less Than Sober Lamb Shanks

6 X lamb shanks (although I could only get 2 today, so added 4 forequarter chops to bulk it out)
2 X brown onions
1 X shitload of garlic (somewhere between 3 and 8 cloves according to taste)
4 X sticks celery
4 X shiny orange carrots
1/2 cup flour
3 tbsp Moroccan seasoning
1/2 cup pearl barley, washed (if you can be bothered)
2 X tins crushed tomatoes (or homemade equivalent if you can also be bothered)
2 cups red wine (yes, you must spare it, it's vital)
Wee tad of olive oil
Water as needed
S+P to taste

1. Don't preheat oven at all. Locate slowcooker from back corner of garage, wipe out spider and mouse poo and plug in, all ready to use.

2. Roughly chop onion, garlic, shiny carrots and celery.

3. Drink a large glass of red wine (not from the 2 cups allocated for this recipe)

4. Mix flour in a bowl or equivalent holding vessel with moroccan seasoning.

5. Heat wee tad of olive oil in pan

6. Coat lamb bits very well in flour mixture - like pressing it in and making sure the gooby ends are all floured up and stuff.

7. Chuck chopped veggies in slow cooker and turn it on. High is good to start with.

8. Oil should be hot in pan now, so chuck flour-coated lamby bits in there to brown. Depending on your pan this may or may not have to be done in batches.

9. Drink another large glass of wine. Wash hands several times and tell your children to be quiet.

10. When meat is browned, remove it (not with fingers, that will hurt) and chuck on top of veggies in slow cooker.

11. Check that your wine glass is still reasonably full, you'll find out why in a minute.

12. Empty both tins of tomatoes into the pan you had the lamb browning in. Stir it around and scrape up all those scrumptious brown burny bits. Chuck in as much red wine as you can spare from your glass. Keep stirring and scraping. Keep drinking red wine. Once it comes to the boil, lob it on top of the other stuff in the slow cooker.

13. Refill your wine glass and take the sharp knives away from your children and tell them to go to bed.

14. Call your significant other, if (s)he's not already there, and tell him/her what a Domestic Goddess you are.

15. Your glass is probably empty by now, and you could probably do with a toilet run, so take care of these and then go back and make sure the slow cooker is actually plugged in and all that stuff is bubbling.

16. Do something else for an hour or so.

17. Ensure that your neighbours haven't snuck in and nicked off with the remainder of your red wine. You can't spare any more for cooking now, obviously, so throw a bit of water in the slow cooker if it's looking dry. It shouldn't, though.

18. Time for the pearl barley. If you didn't wash it earlier, then bully your children into washing it. Then carefully put it in the slow cooker and stir, thinking only about peace, love and harmony as you mix it in with the rest of the stuff.

19. By this time you're probably out of wine, so nip out to the neighbour's house and beg half a bottle of claret off them for coooking purposes only.

20. Re-enter your own house, marvelling at the culinary odours eminating from your front door.

21. Wait a while and post rude photos of your friends on Facebook.

22. When the barley seems less crunchy, then it's all done. Leave it to burn to a crisp, forget the mash, go to bed and regret the entire endeavour the next morning.